Between the average Cincinnati Bengal and the average Cincinnati Rollergirl, my money’s on CRG. And before you get all “FEMI-NAZI! She’s just saying that ’cause she’s a girl!” on me, let me laundry list why, in comparison, I feel the Bengals are a bunch of sissies the Rollergirls come out on top.
Equipment: The average Bengal has a helmet with partial face guard, shoulder pads, agent, knee guards, thigh pads, multi-million dollar contract, athletic protective cups, etc. The average Rollergirl? Helmet, elbow pads, knees pads…oh, and a sports bra. (Heck, most of them have panty hose on for the bouts…I can’t even get motivated to put on panty hose for Baby Jesus at Christmas Mass.) 2 points for the Rollergirls
Professional cheerleading squad vs. people motivated by $1 PBRs (like moi) fine, 2 points for the Bengals, whatever
Cleats vs. Rollerskates: Duh, wheels. 3 points for the Rollergirls
Of course the Bengals do have the balls. 2 points for the Bengals
PLAYING SURFACE: The Bengals play on a specially designed (read: pansy-ass) turf substance complete with rubber beady-thingies to cushion their fall “field turf”. The Rollergirls? CONCRETE baby. They hit concrete and they hit it hard. While on wheels. And when they pull themselves up, they do so on wheels. Um, did I mention the wheels? 3 points for the Rollergirls
There you have it folks…15 to 4 Rollergirls win.
If it is any consolation Bengals, you’d probably wipe the floor with the Cincinnati Reds.
The next home match for these AMAZING women is May 8th – tickets make the perfect Mother’s Day gift. You can find all the details and purchase your tickets on their site. See you there!