I’m not a regular viewer of Oprah. Obviously it’s on while I’m at work and there are only so many hours available to record on the DVR. Though I adore Oprah and all she does, she really can’t compete with the likes of Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, episodes of Law and Order (et al), and those crazy gals from The Real Housewives of _______ (insert whichever dysfunctional city they”ll venture to next). But when Stephanie posted that she’d be on today (Monday), there was no doubt I’d tune in for a peek.
Monday’s episode was all about Moms. The joys and the struggles. Actually far more of the struggles than the joys. Don’t get me wrong, I celebrate the humor of motherhood daily – there are days when you laugh til you cry and days when you have to laugh or you will cry. I get it. And these moms are some of the funniest in the business. Hello, Stephanie? Nuff said.
But at some point in the discussion, talk turned to the “Mommy Wars”. Good goodness, haven’t we retired that term already? I’m certain some man must have coined it – the male machismo constantly driving a wedge and threatening conflict.
I thought the Mommy Wars had ended long ago. I thought we were all championing each other’s choices as we navigate our own. I guess not so much so.
See, I’ve got no dog in this fight. My role as a working mom is one of necessity, not choice. It’s impossible to say if given that choice what I would elect to do, if money were no object or that darn kid of mine wasn’t so accustomed to food and shelter.
I personally cheer on all moms and I don’t ask the whys and wheres of what brings them to their decisions to be fulltime domestic goddesses; or corporate conquerers; or a combination of both. Not because I lack interest, but mainly because it’s a sensitive subject to many and I don’t ever want them to think I judge their journey. I may be Switzerland, but I sure don’t want to alienate potential allies in my ongoing struggle with potty-training!
And I pretty much figured most moms these days felt the same. I assumed we had nothing to gain from criticizing one another or the choices we make. To paraphrase the wisdom of Solomon, er, Oprah:
‘No answer is right or wrong when you are working in the best interests of your child.’
One of the mom/guests, Vicki Glembocki summed it up well for me. She said that the mommy war is far more internal than it is external. That really struck a chord.
I’m my own worst enemy when in comes to criticism and doubt in my mothering. The most important job of my life, and for all my self-confidence and accomplishment in other areas, I never quite feel “good enough” in this role.
But you know what? I”ve got a great kid. No, a phenomenal, one-in-a-million kid who is happy and healthy and reasonably well-adjusted. Smart and funny and irresitably cute. And I deserve a little credit for some of that, right? Right? Right!
So to all those other moms out there, bruised and scarred from their own friendly fire, take a minute, look at your kids and then pat yourself long and hard on the back.
YOU did that. YOU are awesome. And I think you’re doing a pretty terrific job!
33 comments
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April 6, 2009 at 10:11 pm
Heather @ Domestic Extraordinaire
I am pretty sure I DVR’d the episode today-I look forward to seeing it.
April 6, 2009 at 10:28 pm
Dawn
woot woot! hear hear! and we will celebrate in July!
April 6, 2009 at 10:28 pm
$5 Dinner Mom
Well said friend! Thanks for sharing 🙂
Erin
April 6, 2009 at 10:31 pm
AMomTwoBoys
Well said.
I didn’t see the show, or DVR it, and I’m kind of glad. I feel like I would have cringed through most of it.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: P’s lucky to have you as a mom.
And my kids are lucky I’m their mom. And not just because someone else would have strangled their asses by now. Because I’m pretty damn good at it.
April 6, 2009 at 10:32 pm
feener
i don’t watch oprah either, but not b/c i work b/c i can’t stand her. but i too heard it was about moms and bloggers and i watched the last 30 minutes – even though i could hardly hear a word due to my kids…anyway i too was a bit upset when that one lady in the audience brought up the mommy wars, it seemed to be she was just a bitter mom and wanted to blame others. i thought what the vicki said was very true as well. and i think one of the ladies with oprah said that it is what we ourselves lack that causes it, and again i think that is true. if you are upset and jealous of moms who get to go to work OR moms who get to stay at home then you are going to be creating the problems. there was a recent post up on NJ moms blog and i thought the author was someone who creates the WAR. http://svmomblog.typepad.com/new_jersey_moms_blog/2009/03/girl-scouts-busy.html#comments
April 6, 2009 at 10:37 pm
To Think Is To Create
Aw you are awesome, and that last paragraph made me teary! I recorded it too, looking forward to it 🙂
xoxo
April 6, 2009 at 10:40 pm
Jenny from Mommin' It Up!
I think no good comes from judging & criticizing other moms, and I hate to see it happen. Great post, Amy. YOU are awesome!!
April 6, 2009 at 10:43 pm
Marcy
Amy – what an awesome post! So many great points. Now I know that this episode is a keeper on my DVR. Hopefully I can find time to watch it this week. 🙂
April 6, 2009 at 10:44 pm
Emily from Mommin It Up
You are the BEST, Amy. Thanks so much for posting this.
Off to hit “play” on my DVR….
April 6, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Andrea @ Mommy Snacks.net
I couldn’t have said it better myself! Now, I may need a pep talk this week when my kids try my last mothering nerve as they enjoy Spring Break…
BUT, I do think mothering was/is internal for me. With this precious cargo – I always want the best and I have to believe that as their momma, I’m not doing too bad of a job.
You’re awesome but I will still take lil’ P from you any day cause she is so stinking adorable!!
April 6, 2009 at 10:56 pm
fruitlady
I haven’t seen the Oprah yet. As a mommy with grade school age kids I am much more aware of the mommy wars now than I ever was when the kiddos were little. There are some mommys at my kids’ school that thrive on drama and mayhem. One woman I know was actually told that another woman “couldn’t be friends with her any more.” And only because she had a different opinion about a school related thing. Because of her OPINION they couldn’t be friends. It seems so crazy to me. I’d like to think we have each others backs and in general I think we do, but there is an underlying competitiveness in the whole business that is weird.
April 6, 2009 at 11:25 pm
Kirsten/Mama Ginger Tree
So true. We focus so much on our mistakes and failures and not nearly enough on our successes and victories. Or maybe that’s just me. There are some things
I do well as a mom and my kids are freaking AWESOME.
If there is anything I’ve learned in my 7 years of mothering children it’s that there is no formula for how to do it all right. We all create our own mix of ingredients that works for our family. We’re all just trying to do the best we can.
April 6, 2009 at 11:25 pm
Insta-Mom
Awesome post…you rock, my friend.
There are times when I have been questioning my choices or my parenting, and then I look at how genuinely happy and openly affectionate my kids are. I know that the only way that would be possible is if I did my job right.
I missed the episode of Oprah, but honestly, this said everything I needed to know.
April 7, 2009 at 12:37 am
Headless Mom
I didn’t watch, nor did I record it. (I’m laying off of Oprah for lots of reasons, none of which are relevant here.) Amy, you hit the nail on the head with this one. Who said we have to fight about this? Why do we continue to play into it? I hope that all of my mom friends know that I support them no matter their choice/opinion/feeling on this issue. Seriously, no matter how I feel about it it’s none of my business how/why you arrived at your decision-it’s my job to be your friend and your cheerleader.
April 7, 2009 at 12:46 am
anymommy
Perfectly said, and you are incredible. I missed Oprah today, but I am also kind of glad. I think Alice (at Finslippy) summed it up the best for me – she said at one point, I’m totally paraphrasing – Just because a decision is ‘right’ for me and my kids, why does that have to make every one else ‘wrong.’ It doesn’t. And right there is all you’ve said so beautifully, there’s no war, just moms and dads making the best possible choices for their children in their circumstances.
April 7, 2009 at 9:33 am
Malia
Well said, Amy! I completely agree and I really needed to hear that last bit about taking some credit for how my kids have turned out. Too often I focus on the negative things, the things they don’t do or the issues we still struggle with. But all in all, I have a GREAT kids! And the work their father and I have done raising them does have a lot to do with it!
April 7, 2009 at 9:41 am
Amy @ Taste Like Crazy
*sigh* I missed the show but got the play-by-play on Twitter.
I think that most women have gotten past the whole “mommy wars” thang but it doesn’t seem like the media has followed suit. It almost seems like the media’s stuck in “what used to be” and are milking it and saying, “This is still cool, right? People still buy this crap, right?”
We all gotta do what we gotta do and more times than not, our kids turn out OK despite us.
April 7, 2009 at 9:57 am
Marianne
Good stuff, Amy.
I think you’re right – we do each have those internal battles and self doubts. We just give more voice to them via social media.
And when I have my moments of feeling like I’m failing on all fronts, Knute (hubs) always says, “Look at THEM. They are fantastic kids.”
That really is the bottom line – if your kiddos are doing well, then you’re doing what you need to be doing.
I know I’m fortunate to have the choice to be at home but I also know that it could disappear (and almost did a couple of times). It’s a choice most women don’t have.
Take care!!
April 7, 2009 at 10:43 am
Connie @ Young and Relentless
I am not aware of the war because in Utah everyone is a SAHM. I think the most conflict comes from gals that stay home but hate it and regret their choice. Some Mom’s are just not cut out to do it. I’m exactly where I want to be and that is all that matters.
April 7, 2009 at 10:56 am
Monica
Great post and I totally agree! Your daughter really is irresistibly cute 🙂
Thanks for visiting my site!
April 7, 2009 at 11:08 am
Amazing Greis
Great post Amy. I’m not a mom, but hope to be one SOMEDAY! If/When I do become a mommy I would love to stay at home, but if I have to work I hope to not be judged because of my choice. Any choice that I make would definitely be for the well-being of my child. Too many women are judged for the work/stay home choice. Can’t everyone just get a long?
April 7, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children
I didn’t even know the topic of yesterday’s show until I’ve been seeing a few rumblings via twitter, etc. I’m so glad you wrote about it.
I completely agree that we should look at ourselves am be proud of what we’ve done, whether we breast/bottle fed, follow attachment parenting or used CIO, cloth diapered/disposable diapered, Montessori preschool/homeschool/unschool….
I simply cannot comprehend how woman STILL beat each other down over their choices, though. It just doesn’t compute. Nearly everyday on stumbleupon or via twitter, though, I land on a site that belittles another mother’s choices.
Can’t we all just get along? 😉
April 7, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Kate Coveny Hood
Excellent commentary! I have been pretty lucky in that no one has ever made me feel guilty for working (and a good thing for them, since it’s not like I have a choice!) And I really can’t imagine condemning any woman for her choice to stay at home. Okay – maybe if she has a full time nanny service and spends every day at the spa and lunching with friends…but then anything I said would be 100% envy-induced.
I didn’t see that Oprah – but I have a sneaking suspicion that I wouldn’t hear anything I didn’t already know. I mean – where is the news here? Women at home all day with the kids are overworked and exhausted. Women who work full time and then come home to a second full time job as mom are overworked and exhausted. And hopefully all of us are madly in love with our kids and know how lucky we are to have them. Seems like we all have quite a bit in common if you ask me…
April 7, 2009 at 5:36 pm
Al_Pal
Aww, great post! 😀
Here via VDog & Room704! 😀
I’m not a mom but I am “Swiss” in most matters of conflict. 😛
April 7, 2009 at 8:51 pm
Shannanb aka Mommy Bits
Ugh. It’s so stupid. Mommy wars.
On to more important things… just how many pairs of ears/fun holiday headbands does Parker own? I swear, everytime I see her she has a new festive pair on her head! I love it.
April 7, 2009 at 11:47 pm
tricia
Thanks for the post. I have found myself reflecting on this a lot in the last 24 hours. I have a pretty good kid yet I am reluctant to feel like I had anything to do with it because of guilt. Why do I feel guilty that I have a good kid? Or that I just might be doing a good job. What is up with that?
Thanks for reminding me that what I do makes a difference.
April 8, 2009 at 7:57 am
Elisabeth
Great post, Amy…..it actually brought a tear to my eye. My boys are grown…but looking at them now, I feel a deep sense of pride in the men they’ve become 😉
April 8, 2009 at 10:22 am
Susan (WMAG)
I’d like to see an Oprah episode about how moms secretly ROCK — and all the many ways they rock. For every mom out there, there’s a unique parenting style and situation. Some good, some bad, some amazing. Let’s focus on the most inspiring, clever, fun, interesting ways moms have figured out how to do this job well. That’s something I’d be totally into watching.
April 8, 2009 at 3:28 pm
moosh in indy.
Thanks baby. I needed this today.
April 9, 2009 at 5:15 pm
heartatpreschool
Great post! I couldn’t agree more!
April 10, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Brooke
A well written, great post!
April 17, 2009 at 3:54 pm
mosey along
It keeps rearing its’ ugly head, doesn’t it? I’ve touched on it a few times myself on my blog, and I’m starting to get weary of the sound of it.
I’m with you. Let’s raise happy, healthy kids and give ourselves (and all the other moms out there) a break!
Nice post.
April 22, 2009 at 10:39 am
Jenny, Bloggess
Amen. A-freaking-men.